Clearance Bin

Jamaican me lesbian: A Review of Greetings from Jamaica, Wish You Were Queer… by Mari SanGiovanni

2007-05-12T14:34:00.000-06:00

The protagonist of Mari SanGiovanni’s beach and booze themed comedy is a failed screenplay writer turned stalker who isn’t above faking car accidents and staking out the studio back door with binoculars while she hunts down her “subject”. Marie Santora wants the star of TV’s Razor Falls Lorn Elaine to take the lead role in her script Unguarded Love… “Kind of a Brokeback Mountain thing only with girls in a prison setting, without the western theme, and no horses, of course.” Marie also wants to do all manner of creatively naughty things with Lorn, but with script lines like “Let’s pretend we are in a playground together and not in a prison…these are just monkey bars between us…” and with a hugely insane Italian family gate crashing each gay encounter with announcements like “Attention, attention, Marie Santora is a lesbian! Marie Santora is a lesbian! This has been a public service announcement!” our protagonist has a steep sand dune to climb.
Greetings from Jamaica, Wish You Were Queer follows a chaotic family vacation with more vices than virtues as Marie learns how to thwart ever present paparazzi while pursuing her closeted affair with Lorn, but the well-shaped conflicts lose some edge as the reader is taken in and out of hotel bedrooms with Marie leading a lusty Lorn down a path that has no apparent destination. The rule of the Homesick-Italian-Lesbian-Stalker or H.I.L.S. is finger first and ask questions of love later.
The narrative is somewhat heavy in the front. SanGiovanni chooses to open with more back story than the narrative truly merits. For instance the reader is given a number of hints at sub themes which are never fully explored. These range from the marijuana growing father to the lesbian-girl-next-door-to-our-summerhouse-in-Maine montage. Perhaps, these could be explained if other pieces fell into the narrative more naturally, but when Lorn Elaine appears without reason at the same resort in Jamaica as our protagonist, the reader and Marie are left a little dizzy.
The action picks up sometime around cocktail hour at an undisclosed all inclusive resort, and the story does offer plenty of humorous dialogues on everything from what a lesbian should pack while stalking her favorite TV actress to why Italians love meatballs and funerals so much. The cast of characters transcend their stereotypes as they hit the beach, and SanGiovanni gives the reader some very believable and heartfelt comedy between the story’s digressions.

Fingerloose: A Review of Dance in the Key of Love by Marianne K. Martin

2007-05-12T13:02:00.000-06:00

The lesbian community of Ann Arbor needs Redemption: Capital R, learn to walk after being hit by a heterosexual drunk driver, eat pizza and watch Footloose with a gay dance chorographer, have dinner at Applebee’s with former lover Redemption. The crimes of a lost and wandering young bar dyke return to haunt her as she struggles to elevate her passion for dancing above the faux wood of the dance club floor. Finding herself forced to face the fall-out of a five minute fling in a bathroom stall; our heroine realizes the importance of cross-word puzzles and an alcoholic mother’s love.
In Marianne Martin’s sequel to Dawn of the Dance, we find a cast of lovably lesbian characters confronting life’s problems while attempting to assist a debilitated dyke with an interpretive dance production of Dirty Dancing. In parallel with this quirky romance, a somewhat two-dimensional detective spends a lot of time with his grandson while telling his daughter all the confidential stuff he is investigating.
Martin doesn’t exactly give any real substance to her straight characters. It is fair to say that in the world of Dance in the Key of Love all straight guys, with one exception, are violently abusive cops and all straight women are either battered recovering alcoholics or battered emerging alcoholics. While in the parallel story, real depth is given to the Ann Arbor crowd. This narrative dichotomy is perplexing in so far as at times it seems to unfairly represent a lesbian worldview.
Without divulging too much of the plot, this dichotomy comes to a highly symbolic boiling point in which we find our heroine handcuffed in the back of a cruiser eavesdropping on the detective as he is told that his daughter is in the hospital due to a mild to severe case of heterosexual battering.
Martin’s narrative lends itself to very revealing and beautiful moments in which friends relate painfully true feelings like “The families we make often offer us more love than the ones we are born into.” With skilled writing and attention to detail Martin opens the reader to the harsh difficulties of the lesbian world while seemingly undermining her character’s struggles by limiting the reader’s view of the world at large.

Bluesday.net

2006-09-12T08:48:00.000-06:00

The Bluesday Podcasts are up and running. Check out bluesday.net

Blues Day Playlist 2-28-2006

2006-03-02T07:03:00.000-07:00

Remember you can tune in online; go to www.weber.edu/kwcr 9 to whenever (Mountain Time) Tuesdays. We are in the process of documenting what goes on off air and we should have the first vlog posted soon along with a podcast of our playlist. So, stay tuned.

“Turn on the Panther” – Immortal Lee County Killers
“Preach the Blues” – The Gun Club
“Dead Leaves and Dirty Ground” – The White Stripes
“Count Down” – Black Keys
“Main Offender” – The Hives
“Winn Com” – Boss Hog
“Loose” – The Stooges
“Sympathy for the Devil” – The Rolling Stones
“Nine Dollars Worth of Mumble” – The Porch Ghouls
“Novacaine” – Beck
“Bedstuy, Parade, and Funeral March” – Mos Def
“Bone Machine” – The Pixies
“Cardiac Suture” – The Neckbones
“I got Messed Up” – RL Burnside
“Cocaine Bill” – Kenny Brown
“I got my Mojo Working” – Muddy Waters
“Mother-in-Law Blues” – Son Seals
“Nite Train” – The Von Bondies
“All your Love’n” – John Mayall
“Truth be Told” – Niel Young
“Making Time” – The Creation
“Open Heart Surgery” – The Brian Jonestown Massacre
“Detroit Breakdown” – The Gories
“When You Touch Me” – The Reigning Sounds
“Shake Your Money Maker” – Elmore James
“Annie May” – John Lee Hooker
“Black Maria” – Tom Waits
“Willie” – Cat Powers
“Harvest Moon” – Niel Young
“Tuesday Night” – The Beta Band
“I wanna be your dog” – The Stooges
“Twenty Century Boy” – T-Rex
“Denial Twist” – The White Stipes
“Like Calling up Thunder” – The Gun Club
“Folsum Prison Blues” – Johnny Cash
“Jackass” – Beck
“Thinking Tonight of my Blue Eyes” – Blue Mountain
“When the Levee Breaks” – Led Zeplin
Hendrix
“The Length” – Black Keys
“Tulsa part I” – The Onlys
“Airliner” – Immortal Lee County Killers
“Goo” – Sonic Youth
“Ticket Man” – The Kills
“Green Shirt” – Boss Hog
“Stretcher Case Baby” – The Damned
“Outta Here” – The Gories
“Ain’t that Hate’n you Baby” – The Revelators
“The Elucidator” – Soledad Brothers
“Politician” – Cream
“Wicked World” – Black Sabbath
“Passionate Woman” – The Rolling Stones
“I’m Through with White Girls” – The Dirtbombs
“Long Hair’d Donny” – RL Burnside
Alan Lomax Recordings
African Blues

Playlist 2-21-2006

2006-02-23T20:13:00.000-07:00

“Sam” – Boss Hog
“For the Love of Ivy” – The Gun Club
“Revolution Summer” – The Immortal Lee County Killers
“Sick Twist” – The Neckbones
“Priming the Well” – The Porch Ghouls
“The Sun is Shining” – The Dirt Bombs
“It Came from Japan” – The Von Bondies
“Exedrine Headache #265” – The Reigning Sounds
“Lay Down this World” – The Soledad Brothers
“Hypnotize” – The White Stripes
“You’ll be Mine” – The Gories
“Dirt” – The Stooges
“Nude as the News” – Cat Power
“Cool it Down” – The Velvet Underground
“The Wizard” – Black Sabbath
“Hurt Like Mine” – Black Keys
“Vincent Come on Down” – Brainiac
“The Back of the Shell” – The Kills
“Murder in the Red Barn” – Tom Waits
“Back Door Man” – Howl’n Wolf
“Alligator Wine” – Screaming Jay Hawkins
“Bad Man” – T-Model
“Long Distance Call” – Muddy Waters
“Momma says I’m Crazy” – Fred McDowell
“Junkyard” – 20 Miles
“I Fell in Love Today” – Ween
“By the Light of the Magical Moon” – T-Rex
“Pink Moon” – Nick Drake
“Subterranean Homesick Blues” – Bob Dylan
“The Contenders” – The Owls
“Sick” – Boss Hog
“Touch Me I’m Sick” – Mudhoney
“Plethysmograph” – Jello Biafra and the Melvins
“The Damned Don’t Cry” – Immortal Lee County Killers
“Come Back Baby” – The Revelators
“We Repel Each Other” – The Reigning Sounds
“Super Star Chevrolette” – The Neckbones
“Aeroplane Blues” – The Black Keys
Jimi Hendrix
“Hey Joe” – Roy Buchanan
“Rolling Stone” – The Immortal Lee County Killers

Playlist 2-14-2006

2006-02-23T19:47:00.000-07:00

Blues Day Valentines 2006:
“Feral” – The Gories
“Supply and Demand” – The Hives
“The Fire of Love” – The Gun Club
“Tragic Ground” – Porch Ghouls
“Boob Scotch” – Bob Log III
“I’ve got my own Hell to Raise” – Bettye LaVette
“The Back of My Hand” – The Rolling Stones
“Blue Black Jack” – Mos Def
“Shine” – The Onlys
“Arms as Traps” – Taught Me
“Shoot” – Sonic Youth
“Right of Way” – The Von Bondies
“Ain’t that hating you baby” – The Revelators
“STOP” – The Dirtbombs
“When you Touch Me” – The Reigning Sounds
“When the Lights go Out” – The Black Keys
“Chained” – The Pixies
“Campaign of Hate” – The Libertines
“When the Levee Breaks” – Led Zepplin
“Paranoid” – Black Sabbath
“No Fun” – The Stooges
“Piece of Clay” – 20 Miles
“Wild about you Baby” – Elmore James
“Mannish Boy” – Muddy Waters
“Moan’n at Midnight” – Howlin Wolf
“Spoonful” – Cream
“20th Century Boy” – T-Rex
“Goin out West” – Tom Waits
“Feast of the Mau Mau” – Screamn Jay Hawkins
“Who do you love” – John Hammond
“Voodoo Child” – Jimi Hendrix
“My Love” – Lenny Kravitz
“The Pretender” – Dr. Dog
“ Hate to say I told you so” – The Hives
“Sweet Young thing ain’t Sweet no more” – Mud Honey
“100%” – Sonic Youth
“Preach Blues” – The Gun Club
“Firebird ESQ” – The Gories
“Please Please Man” – The Von Bondies
“Thickfreakness” – The Black Keys
“Ball and a Biscuit” – The White Stripes
“Neat Neat Neat” – The Damned
“Waste of Time” – The Black Lips
“Payback” – James Brown
“Concrete Jungle” – James Brown
“Bomb’n the L” – The Fun Loving Criminals
“After it All” – Cat Power
“Black Pall” – Loggia
“Left out now” – The Gossip
“Here” – Pavement
“Frequencies in the Dial” – The Onlys
“The Late Greatest” – Wilco
“Exedrine Headache #265” – The Reigning Sounds
“A Knife to cut the Cornbread” – The Porch Ghouls
“Sister Ann” – The Gories

A Rough Estimate of the Playlist for 2-7-6

2006-02-10T16:33:00.000-07:00

Bluesday was unable to air 1-31-6. KWCR has moved out of the Student Union Building and into the basement of the Stewart Library. The 2-7-6 show was broadcast in spite of tremendous odds and the play list was lost in the mix. Here is a rough estimate of the playlist:

“Beyond the 7th Sky” – Lenny Kravitz
“Tunnel Vision” – Lenny Kravitz
“Baby, Please Don’t Go” – ACDC
“Sun is Shining” – The Dirtbombs
“The Elucidator” – The Soledad Brothers
“Please Please Man” – The Von Bondies
“Grown So Ugly” – The Black Keys
“Straightface” – Son Volt
“Sleepers” – Gossip
“Black Math” – The White Stripes
“(When You Wake) You’re Still in a Dream”
“Let Yourself Go” – The Reigning Sounds
“Medication” – The Reigning Sounds
“So Messed Up” – The Damned
“I wanna be your dog” – The Stooges
“Babe, I’m gonna leave you” – Led Zepplin
Something from Woodstock by Jimi Hendrix
“Born under a bad sign” – Cream
“Hoochie Coochie Man” – Muddy Water
“Spoonful” – Howl’n Wolf
“Back Door Man” – John Hammond
“Constipation Blues” – Screamin’ Jay Hawkins
Something by Tom Waits
“Downhome Sophisticate” – Corey Harris
“Goin Away Baby” – RL Burnside
“Cool Drink of Water” – Gun Club
“Evolution” – Pearl Jam
“Hole in the Roof” – Meat Puppets
“Bang a Gong” – T Rex
“Get Together” – Lizz Wright

Thank you for your support in these difficult times.

Blues Day 1-24-2006 Playlist

2006-01-25T03:31:00.000-07:00

“20th Century Boy” – T Rex
“Making Time” – Creation
“STOP” – Dirtbombs
“Preach the Blues” – Gun Club
“Politician” – Cream
“1969” – The Stooges
“Nite Train” – Von Bondies
“My Baby got Drunk” – Paul Jones
“Spoonful” – Howlin Wolf
“I just want to make love to you” – Muddy Waters
“If you see me coming” – Black Keys
“Let out now” – Gossip
“Bleeding Heart” – Jimi Hendrix
“MPLS” – Grandpaboy
“Ball and Biscuit” – White Stripes
“At the back of the shell” – The Kills
“I love you” – Asie Patton
“Shake your money maker” – Elmore James
“Do the rump” – Black Keys
“Whole lotta Love” – Led Zepplin
“Well Well Well” – 20 Miles
“Slow Nerve Action” – Flaming Lips
“Bottles of Blues” – Beck
“Dukes Place” – Louis Armstrong and Duke Ellington
“Warm Beer and Cold Women” – Tom Waits
“what I’d say to you” – Etta James
“The 219” – John Hammond
“Let’s Spend the Night together” – Rolling Stones
“Cherry Cherry” – Niel Diamond
“Touch me I’m sick” – Mudhoney
“Thunder in the sky” – Dirtbombs
“Girl, you have no use for medicine” – White Stripes
“Get it on” – T Rex
“Born under a bad sign” – Cream
“No Fun” – Stooges
“For Love of Ivy” – Gun Club
“Pawne Shop Heart” – Von Bondies
“Dirty Boots” – Sonic Youth
“Saga” - Libertines

You can listen in online at www.weber.edu/kwcr 9-Midnight (Mountain) Tuesdays. Feel free to post requests here. At 3 hours long, Blues Day is officially the longest radio blues show in the state!

TEHUACAN

2005-11-08T11:23:00.000-07:00

Roberto: Escucha por favor. El diablo no es en el blog. Nada es en blog para los linguas de la luna u la sol. Tengo mirar mas en el blog es bueno. No habla por el diablo aqui. Gracias.

Todd: email to my full first and last name at mail.weber.edu

fransj93vmandres: Thanks for the hot stock tip! It actually worked.

Scott: I don't have any need for a pregnancy lazer hair removal system, but thank's for the offer.

nehl cleote: You're right there are people stealing content off my blog. I guess that's what happens.

Anonymous: Thanks for the plasma tv offer, but I am offended by your repeated referencing of Elvis' songs as something he would actually say after death... Elvis never wrote his own music.

The Next Question

2005-07-27T17:14:00.000-06:00

We at clearancebin cannot apologize enough for overlooking this hypertext jewel for over TWO MONTHES. We are clearly (insert a pleuralized form of a word from the list below). And, as annoying as it is to open a fresh zine or blog that has been TWO MONTHES overdue to find the first paragraph eaten up in guilt and self-obsession (with SELF-OBSESSION and GUILT spelled out in all caps like characters from PILGRIMS PROGRESS(and parabolic subparenthesis of HUMILIATION)), please forgive our grammar and indesivieness on the exact extent to grovel.

Suitable self-referential statements (to be inserted anywhere necessary when in correspondence with the (insert a plueralized form of a word from the list below) at clearancebin)[listed alphabetically for ease of use]:
ass, birdbrain, blockhead, bonehead, boob, bore, buffoon, butt, chump, clod, clown, cretin, dimwit, dolt, donkey, dope, dork, dumb ox, dunce, dunderhead, dupe, easy mark, fair game, fall guy, fathead, goat, gomeral, gomeril, goose, halfwit, idiot, ignoramus, illiterate, imbecile, innocent, jackass, jerk, lamebrain, laughing stock, lightweight, loon, lunkhead, meathead, moron, nerd, nincompoop, ninny, nitwit, numskull, oaf, omadawn, ownshook, pushover, sap, schlemiel, silly, simpleton, stooge, sucker, turkey, twerp, twit, victim

So, without further ado, clearancebin presents the jewel that can split post-modernist crap-hounding (see also detritus-fishing, jive-talking, rink-dinking)—the one finger of ““zen”” which is sold in no catalog ((yet))—our treasured question of friendship:

“So, I guess my question to you is, given these almost uncontrollable and nearly sub-conscious proclivities to make fun (by exaggerated imitation) of each and every human being I encounter, should I ever expect to make new friends? Or should I just look up and torment old ones?”

May I swear in order to express my enthusiam over this question? Understand, this is not asked in sarcasm but in sincerity (which is the thorn in my side—that is to say my sincerity comes out as sarcasm), but SWEET BEETLEBUM’S WITHERED TONGUE what a question. Hardly a day passes anymore I don’t ask myselves some form of this question. Heck, it was the whole reason I started writing this stupid blog in the first stupid place.

Unfortunately, I don’t know the answer to this question. But, anyone who is willing to ask it is clearly a very old friend of mine.

On a lighter note, I realized the other day that there is a God and this God does care about me but this God is asleep when I am awake and awake when I am asleep. So, this God is no longer excepting tithes, oathes, or promises… Only wishes, hopes, and dreams (and I have no clue what this God does with these things, but he has them in a warehouse somewhere I think). I’m tired now. Goodnight all you scattered beams of light.

SPRING CLEARANCE SALE â€“ SAVE ON GRAYS

2005-05-08T11:45:00.000-06:00

Welcome to Savingsville! All items 50.1-63.2% off list price. Only while supplies last. Confederate coinage accepted. Take up arms and fight for your right to consume. Some items may test as radioactive (this is just a pinko ploy). Toys not suitable to children under the age of 27 with the exception of the tobacco flavored pacifier and musical hangman's noose.

Fluffy Tickle-Me War for Peace, $6.66â€”Originally marketed as the "Amazing Collapsible Diplomat" the makers shifted focus with market trends and increasing appeal of reality television. Watch and wonder as the Fluffy Tickle-Me War for Peace pastes flags and ribbons on mini vans and SUVs across the nation. Gape and gawk at zany bondage antics and musical puppets. Dine on Eagle Burgers and Freedom Fries. But, don't touch the issues! They're hot.

Preemptive Barbie, $13.13â€”Look out Ken! This is one Barbie you don't even want to think about messing with. Parents will love Preemptive Barbie for her rounded, no-cut-em edges and George Bush ethics; kids will love Preemptive Barbie for her impossibly huge jugs and Dick Cheney potty mouth. Preemptive Barbie puts the smack down before aggressions ever flair up. But watch out! She'll give you a slap just for looking funny.

Inflatable Hot-Air School, $1.00â€”Kids love to play school. Why not humor them and keep an eye on the pocketbook? The Hot-Air School lets kids play school until they are bored enough to want to play with guns. An added benefit is that the Hot-Air School has absolutely no educational value whatsoever. So, there will still be plenty of uneducated and expendable graduates to flip burgers and fight wars.

Simulation Paper, $9.99â€”Got Sims Fever? You need this simulation paper. It simulates real paper in everyway. It even gives simulation paper cuts! Excellent for simulating notes for simulation tasks you need your Sims to simulate. Made from 100% post-simulated waste.

Miraculous Time Traveling Robot Doctor, prices may vary with wait timesâ€”thatâ€™s right time travel is possible, and the craze is sweeping the nation. And, who can benefit more from time travel than physicians? That's why the makers of Carcinogen Critters and Coronary Glue have turned their attentions to the future of medicine. As government and corporate regulations take control from the doctorsâ€™ hands why not just nix the human element and give the control to robots? It just makes sense. Robots never make mistakes (sic), and they do exactly what you tell them. As an added bonus, the Time Traveling Robot Doctor will take your rising healthcare costs and dump them on future generations.

Add-Away, $19.99â€”Do advertisements annoy and distract you? Do you find yourself roaming the strip malls and grocery stores craving products you donâ€™t need? Well, you don't have to put up with billboards and radio advertisements anymore. Join thousands of others in the Add-Away revolution and permanently wipe those consumer concerns away. Developed by â€œconcerned people in the mental health fieldâ€� this simple, do-it-yourself kit has everything you need to sew your eyes shut and remove that unwanted sense of hearing. Sanity is spelled, â€œAdd-Awayâ€�.

Middle East Monopoly, $50.00 (play money accepted)â€”Pay up Osama you just hung your hat at the Saddam plaza hotel. You might have been better off staying at that cute little green bungalow on the Gaza Strip. Looks like youâ€™re going to have to take out a second mortgage on the oil works. Hey kids! Donâ€™t worry its just Middle East Monopoly. Parents, hereâ€™s a great opportunity to show your kids the fun of carving up sovereign nations while teaching them the valuable lessons of brutality and cutthroat economics. Clever â€œchance cardsâ€� keep the balance with real world situations like â€œCrazed fanatics lob a grenade into the crowds at your highest paying hotel lobby! Lose one hotel.â€� Or â€œOccupying nation changes your currency to highly inflated paper money. Gain $100 for five minutes, and then loose $500.â€� Warning: some editions of Middle East Monopoly contain traces of leprosy.

Dictionary of Chat (DOC), $4.11â€”Whassup homie! All your virtual friends are like rolf lol, and youâ€™re like omg wtf. wwjd? Get the doc asap u sob, or ur sol. ;-)

Passion of Christ Prozac dispenser, $7.77â€”Hast, current events and daytime television got thee down? Thou must turn thine gaze no further than this beautiful silver cross pendant. It storest threefold shekels of Prozac! Medical science hath proven that the two most effective ways to battle depression beith prescription drugs and a healthy dose of faith. And so, I sayest unto thee, why not benefit from both with this elegant and practical piece of jewelry? Warning: May contain lead.

Magic Rocks, $3.00â€”These magic rocks were used by ancient magicians as paving stones. They bring magic to any simple home task from holding down loose papers to holding open the door. So, put some magic in your life with these magical rocks.

LASIK Keychain, $5.00â€”For the laser loving prankster in all of us what could be better than a real life surgical laser? Permanently blind those obnoxious tailgaters or practice eye surgery on neighborhood dogs. The fun is only limited by your imagination. Batteries not included.

Package Bomb Comb, $7.50â€”Win friends and alarm airport security with this comb cleverly disguised as a package bomb.

Weed-B-Damned, $3.11â€”Guaranteed to torch every weed known to man. Scientifically engineered from a special blend of gasoline and Styrofoam, Weed-B-Damned will send your weeds back to hell where they belong. Simply apply to trouble spots on your lawn and add fire.

Psychoactive Chemistry Set, $4.20â€”Ever wonder how mental health patients battle their urges to eat glass? Or, how Lewis Carroll dreamed up â€œAlice in Wonderlandâ€�? Well, now you can experiment for yourself with this easy-to-use chemistry set. The Psychoactive Chemistry Set comes with everything you need to unlock the mysteries of your mind. Climb to the heights of heaven or plunge to the fires of hell without ever leaving your room. Instructions detail the way to make over fifty different psychoactive chemicals including popular chemicals like lysergic acid diethylamide, isosafrole, safrole, methamphetamine, and caffeine.

Bill Oâ€™Reilly Meditative Fountain, 2 centsâ€”Need a quiet, meditative place to contemplate the Zen paradoxes of Fox news? The Bill Oâ€™Reilly Meditative Fountain offers the soothing sounds of falling water and the comforting opinions of the Oâ€™Reilly Factor all in one beautiful setting. Elegantly carved in synthetic stone the craggy features of the Oâ€™manâ€™s face offer the solace of his menacing gaze. So, escape the passions of a level orange terrorist warning to the wisdom of such Oâ€™Reillyisms as â€œDonâ€™t hide under your desk.â€� and â€œIf I were in charge, the Feds would win the war on drugs in a couple of weeks.â€�

Incinerating Mailbox, $19.99â€”Tired of junk mail? This mailbox doubles as an incinerator- effectively turning paper to ash in under four minutes.

â€œThe Dickâ€� anti-theft device, $3.00â€”Protect your car from thieves with this giant penis. â€œThe Dickâ€� locks in place on your carâ€™s roof effectively warding off those poorly endowed car thieves.

Americaâ€™s Favorite Hairpiece, $5.16â€”New from the makers of urine scented soap and non-Chinese finger cuffs, Americaâ€™s Favorite Hairpiece will cover the undesirable effects of balding. Made for 100% cotton this simple baseball cap emblazoned with the word â€œToupeeâ€� will turn heads when you walk by. Make the woman all wish they had a bald man in their life with Americaâ€™s Favorite Hairpiece.

Why they call me the Ice Man.

2005-04-23T07:03:00.000-06:00

â€œWhat is in a nickname?
Would the Fonze, by any other name,
be just as cool?â€�
-Bill â€œThe Manâ€� Shakespeare.

Iâ€™ve never been the kind of guy that has a nickname. I mean Iâ€™d like a nickname, but I canâ€™t just go up to my friends and say, â€œHey I want a nick-name. So, think one up and get back to me, or Iâ€™ll have to just do it myself.â€� Itâ€™d never go over. With good reason I suppose. Nicknames arenâ€™t just something you can just go out and get; you have to earn them somehow. It seems like there are two kinds of guys that earn nicknames. There are the ones like Fonzie that kind of earn a nickname because of an inside joke and yet are still left on the outside. I mean hereâ€™s this thirty-something drop out that just cares about his hair and dances like a Prussian and hangs out in the bathroom of the local malt shop. What else could he be but the Fonze you know? His is a life so vacant he is oblivious to just how absurd he appears to those around him. Like there was this guy that used to hang out at the roller skating rink when I was a kid. Everybody called him Lizard. I mean he was in his late twenties maybe older. He had this little mustache you know. And he could roller skate really good like a living legend or something. But, then you like pull back for a second and think about it, and itâ€™s just like what a loser. You know? Thatâ€™s one kind of nickname. And, I can say I am glad I havenâ€™t earned myself a nickname in that camp. The other general nickname is the one that you earn because you really are cool, not the Fonzie cool you know where youâ€™re trying to be cool. But, the other kind of cool where you really are cool or mellow or just yourself you know and you cha-ching earn a nickname. These are the ones like Hawkeye on Mash. I knew this guy at camp that everybody called Booger. I mean he was cool you know. And, itâ€™s like if you said Booger everybody knew whom you were talking about, but if you called him by his real name, which I think was John, everybody would just be like John who. Then, I guess between the two general types of nicknames there is like a spectrum of nicknames that are neither meta-cool nor cool. I would include among them nick-names of old blues musicians and gangsters, the professional nick-names like Blind Lemon or Mack the Knife or Billy the Kid. Then thereâ€™s also the weird world of womenâ€™s nicknames. They donâ€™t happen too often and are only seen on the fringes of societyâ€”perhaps, in the military or on a sports team or even among the sub-culture-alternative-lifestyle set. These are the nicknames like Jiz or Hot Lips or perhaps Tits. That reminds me of this woman I knew named Wendy but everybody called her Blondie, I guess because of the band or something. But, sheâ€™d always say, â€œRock Hard Tits Outâ€� instead of â€œGood-byeâ€�. I mean what are you supposed to say to that? Does a simple â€œRock onâ€� suffice? Anyway, the last little subset of nicknames is the non-committal types. These are the ones like Gentle Ben or Big Tom or even Little John. Or, like when you call a guy by his last name. These nicknames still include the personâ€™s name. So, itâ€™s not a totally true to life nickname. But itâ€™s still kind of a nickname. Once, I tried to start a nickname for this guy I knew. His name was Tony, and he was a little fat. Not bad fat, he carried it well. He was a vegan actually, but he pretty much lived off fast food somehow. Anyway, I once tried out the nickname Fat Tony on him, you know from Fat Tony Domico on the Simpsons, but I think it hurt his feelings. The other weird thing about nicknames is thereâ€™s either like a whole bunch of people with nicknames in a group or thereâ€™s like just one maybe. This is kind of the way I imagine it would be in the military. Like everybody would have a nickname. Thereâ€™d be Rocco the machine gunner and Red the demolitions guy and like Iggy the radio guy. I think this is also the way it was in some Indian tribes. Theyâ€™d like get a generic name when they were born or something, and then when they got older they would earn a nickname like Crazy Horse or Sitting Bull or even Geronimo (which is not even an Apache word). The fact this nicknaming process differs with differing cultures raises all sorts of existential questions. When is your name really your name anyhow? Is it once you can say it or know what it means or when someone else says it? Do you have to be able to write or spell it before itâ€™s really yours? Whatâ€™s really in a name? I donâ€™t know. Take my name for instance. I like my name, Ben. To my ear it sounds round and perhaps slightly rubberized like it could bounceâ€¦ growing up with the name there were always the quasi-nicknames thrown at it. E.g. Gentle Ben, Benji, Bennie, Ben-Jammâ€™n, Big Benâ€¦ then thereâ€™s the diminutives like Ben Gay and Ben Dover. They never loose their appeal. I think my full name comes from the Bible. It translates roughly into either â€œthe boy who hides the petroleum jellyâ€� or â€œSon of my right handâ€� depending on the context. There was a time that I didnâ€™t like my name. I donâ€™t know why I didnâ€™t like my nameâ€”I was a teenager. I think maybe it was because Ben doesnâ€™t sound literary enough. I wanted a solid, novel-writing name like Ernest or Victor or Walker, you know. I think I realized I was pretty much screwed by my last name. You know how everybody calls novelist by their last names like they met in the locker room before P.E. â€œHey, Faulkner pick up the slack. Youâ€™ve got six more laps around the gym.â€� Or â€œHemingway! Get your ass over to the dodge ball court, pronto. Kafka and Poe are giving Nabokov the beating of his life.â€� Us Roberts tend to hide away in illustrations and rules of meetings. We readily acknowledge our last nameâ€™s inability to support a novel or sculpture. I mean did Faulkner or Kafka even have a first name? If they didnâ€™t I donâ€™t know what it is. And, Ernest Hemingway, I mean jeez it wasnâ€™t enough that he had two bitchâ€™n names just handed to him the minute he was born, he went and got himself a nickname on top of thatâ€¦ And, â€œPapaâ€� is just such a cool nickname; itâ€™s so full of confidence and hubris it makes me want to puke. Hear me now Nicknameous! God of nicknames, Lord of unoriginal puns! Truly your majesty is deserving of an altar in a bathroom somewhere. Your might has crushed kingdoms and canceled TV shows. Your wisdom is like the near-sighted serpent that knows shit from shinola with but a flick its tongue. Grant me but one real honest to goodness nickname, and I shall sacrifice something from the thrift store in your honor. Please make it kind of a cool nickname to. My humble suggestions are Lazer, Ice Man, or Hollywood.
Sincerely,
One boringly named person.

Clearancebin Teen Quiz #1: Is Suicide Right for You?

2005-04-08T07:40:00.000-06:00

QUIZ QUESTIONS

1. The weather man says thereâ€™s a good chance of rain. You decide:
a. to bring your umbrella.
b. to wear your bright red slicker and yellow galoshesâ€”there should be some great puddles to splash around in.
c. to stay in bed.
d. to ignore the weather man and his predictions; he is wrong most the time anyway.
e. None of the above.

2. There is a special some one in your life, and though the magic is certainly there, neither one of you has made a move. How would you confront them with your feelings?
a. Ask them if theyâ€™d like to go to lunch sometime and use their response as a way to measure their interest.
b. Leave a secret message where only they can find it and pour out your heart to them in poetry.
c. Call them on the phone and breathe heavily while masturbating.
d. Tell them to stop looking at youâ€”you cannot stand the company of people. Everybody is a liar and hearts are only made to be broken.
e. None of the above.

3. Some friends ask you to go to a party with them. You decide:
a. to ask what you should bring.
b. to purge purge purge and book some time at the local salon; after all you want to look your best.
c. to refuse at first and then come late. Everybody will think youâ€™re cool.
d. to tell them parties are like rotten meat. It is a gathering of maggots to feed on the dead flesh of expectations.
e. None of the above.

4. Your best friend calls you late at night. She is very emotional and says her life means nothing. She regrets breaking up with her boyfriend, and she admits to having thoughts of killing herself. You decide:
a. to keep her on the line and talk to her, invite her over or offer to come to her house. By any measure, she should not be left alone.
b. to tell her to turn that frown upside down and learn to laugh again. After all, there are other fish in the sea
c. to laugh and hang up. Anyone who takes their life that seriously is obviously not cool
d. to agree with her. There is nothing worth going through the pain of living for.
e. None of the above.

5. You receive a letter in the mail stating that youâ€™ve been chosen for jury duty. You decide:
a. to show up early and bring a good book to read.
b. to wear your best outfitâ€”lawyers make great lovers.
c. to say your father died and you have to attend to family matters. Then stay in bed and call people and masturbate while breathing heavily
d. to write a response stating categorically that there is no justice in the world and you refuse on grounds of personal beliefs to participate in the sham that is called the American Justice system.
e. None of the above.

6. There is a big test coming up in one of your classes. You decide:
a. to study extra hard by yourself. A good grade is worth the hard work.
b. to study with your friends, maybe your parents will order a pizza when they see what a good student you are
c. to watch the Cojack marathon until 3am and then try to cheat during the exam.
d. to tell the teacher that test are just a means of controlling people and that the only certain things in life like death and discouragement can never be prepared for.
e. None of the above.

7. A friend of yours offers you some drugs. You decide:
a. to refuse them. You still want to be their friend, but you donâ€™t understand why someone with so much potential would want to waste it.
b. to laugh and say no thank you. Youâ€™re plenty crazy without drugsâ€¦ have they ever heard the story about the time you and your girlfriends rented a limo to go to the rock concert and you waved at all the cars and screamed yourself raw.
c. to hit them on the head and take all the drugs for yourself.
d. to do some drugs with them and later on feel guilty for having so much fun.
e. None of the above.

8. Someone you know is in a relationship tells you they are interested in you. You decide:
a. to remind them that they are in a relationship, and you are not interested in living a double life just for passing thrills.
b. to act shocked at first and then tell all your friends.
c. to sleep with them if they make you horny, otherwise use their offer to bribe them.
d. to make them lick your boots and grovel all the while teasing them with your naked but unattainable body.
e. None of the above.

9. You accidentally offend someone, and they confront you saying they want to fight. You decide:
a. to apologize for any part you played in the confusion and offer to make it up to them.
b. to laugh and tell them to take a number.
c. to hide behind your friends and later on put popcorn in their engine oil.
d. to fight them, brutality and courage are inseparable means to the ends of glorious defeat.
e. None of the above.

10. You see a teen quiz in a magazine, you decide:
a. to take it, it might be good for some laughs.
b. to use it to figure something out.
c. to tear out the pictures of hotties and later on masturbate.
d. to burn the magazine for the piece of consumer trash that it obviously is.
e. None of the above.

QUIZ ANSWERS

1. This question deals with our expectations of the future.
a. Answer A appears to make the most sense until we look at the deeper meanings of this response. First, to bring your umbrella implies that youâ€™ve already purchased an umbrella, which means that you experience thoughts of paranoia about rain. Second, the fear of getting wet is strongly linked to feelings of inadequacy and possibly witchcraft. (4 points)
b. Answer B with its manic vivacity is an accident waiting to happen. (5 points)
c. Answer C implies depression. (3 points)
d. Answer D exhibits a defeatist attitude ripe for a mental breakdown. (2 points)
e. Answer E is staple answer of a loser that fears commitment. (1 point)

2. Anxiety attacks are frequently a sign of bigger problems. The way we approach difficult social situations and put ourselves in a vulnerable position can indicate the way we internalize problems.
a. Answer A is practical but lacking in heart. (3 points)
b. Answer B is romantic to a fault. (4 points)
c. Answer C is morbid and disgusting (5 points)
d. Answer D is heartfelt and sincere (1 point)
e. Answer E is detached, alienated, and ill worded. (2 points)

3. This question is a straightforward approach to issues of inclusion.
a. Answer A is servile and primed for issues with gratification and self-worth (2 points)
b. Answer B is appropriately false for the occasion and allows for a chance to make others feel bad for not looking as good as you. (1 point)
c. Answer C is trying too hard (5 points)
d. Answer D is the right answer but the metaphor is clichÃ© (3 points)
e. Answer E is downright obnoxious; weâ€™re taking about a party for Peteâ€™s sake. (4 points)

4. Here we must look into ourselves to discover how we empathize with another personâ€™s pain. This is also a good question to ask someone if you think they might be a robot.
a. Answer A is right in terms of empathy, but seems a little too concerned. If the attempts are not successful we would be inclined to worry about issues of guilt or overt attachment and anger. (3 points)
b. Answer B is more in tune with capitalist reality. (1 point)
c. Answer C is cruel and insensitive without reason (4 points)
d. Answer D is sincere and well thought out (2 points)
e. Answer E indicates a short attention span (5 points)

5. This question raises the issue of civic duty.
a. Answer A is the answer of an anal retentive idiot (5 points)
b. Answer B is smart and sexy (1 point)
c. Answer C is clever but poorly engineered (3 points)
d. Answer D is down right foolish and self destructive (4 points)
e. Answer E is bland and tasteless (2 points)

6. Issues of preparing for the future can often shed light on the way we avert problems before they become worse than necessary.
a. Answer A is the answer of an over achiever who does so because of feelings of inadequacy (3 points)
b. Answer B is manipulative but fair (2 points)
c. Answer C is unimpeachable in its logic and finesse (1 point)
d. Answer D is trying too hard (5 points)
e. Answer E is annoying. (4 points)

7. When approaching the use of illegal substances we must tread lightly. Modern psychiatrists have proven that drugs, when used for recreation alone, are essentially harmless.
a. Answer A is the sort of mush youâ€™d expect from some kind of conservative nancy boy whoâ€™s never thought for himself (4 points)
b. Answer B is devoid of feeling and frankly sad (5 points)
c. Answer C is both practical and poetic (1 point)
d. Answer D is pedestrian (2 points)
e. Answer E is ambivalent but justly so (3 points)

8. Trust is a stumbling block any good two-timer must overcome.
a. Answer A is overly pious to the point of dishonesty (4 points)
b. Answer B is prudish but fun (3 points)
c. Answer C is manipulative and grammatically incorrect (5 points)
d. Answer D is brutal but even-handed (2 points)
e. Answer E is subtle and sinister (1 point)

9. This question addresses the issues of dominance and confrontation.
a. Answer A is the defense of a coward (5 points)
b. Answer B is absurd and trite (3 points)
c. Answer C is clever and insightful (1 point)
d. Answer D is the answer of a real philosopher (2 points)
e. Answer E is redundant (4 points)

10. The fact of the matter is anyone who takes teen quizzes is a failure. Their lure lies in playing off your own insecurities. Award yourself 5 points irregardless of your response.

SCORING

0-10 points: Youâ€™re a winner. Nothing can get in your way. The sky is the limit.

11-20 points: Your life is a mediocre sham, but thereâ€™s still some great movies out there that you shouldnâ€™t miss.

21-30 points: You are bland and lacking in personality, but still generally likeable in a pathetic kind of way.

31-40 points: You know thereâ€™s a reason why you took this test, donâ€™t you? Quit lying to yourself and get your head examined.

41-50 points: Please just put down the gun and call someone. Thereâ€™s hotlines where people will pretend like they care and stuff. I think they charge a per minute rate.

DISCLAIMER

The quiz you just took was malicious and offensive. The opinions expressed were those of flesh eating bacteria. Blogspot, clearancebin, and TEEN magazine cannot be held accountable for the opinions expressed in this quiz. Well, may clearancebin can be held accountable, but only after and lengthy and expensive lawsuit. Our lawyers have fangs. Wait, what am I saying? I love you people. I donâ€™t know what came over me. I guess this jobâ€™s really getting to me. And, I think Iâ€™m loosing my hair. Whatâ€™s a guy supposed to do? Iâ€™m so scared. Sniff. Look, letâ€™s just pretend this never happened.

The Last We Heard of Bernard

2005-04-04T17:52:00.000-06:00

The last we heard of BERNARD he refused press interviews on the grounds of perjury. Reporters, according to BERNARD, were poorly paid character assassins that smoke too much and moonlight as gay escorts or super heroes or perhaps both. He wasnâ€™t making a lot of sense. He had seen something inside the MANSION that had changed him. I think he felt burned by DAVE what with him joining the GREEN TENTACLEâ€™s band. After BERNARD refused the press interviews he told us about the HAMSTER. He kept saying the HAMSTER made him do it. And when I asked him what the HAMSTER made him do. He just looked at me. MICHAEL and DAVE both seem ok. The funny thing is they saw the worst of it. BERNARD just fixed the RADIO with the RADIO TUBE and then worked out on the HUNK-O-MATIC. He didnâ€™t have a single run in with NURSE EDNA or DR. FRED. MICHAEL said he gave BERNARD that HAMSTER because DAVE kept talking about putting it in the MICROWAVE. But, I guess BERNARD knows better. The last thing he said before he walked away was â€œWEIRD ED isâ€¦ weird, you know.â€� And I couldnâ€™t help but feel sorry for him, its just too bad he had to spend so much time alone with WEIRD ED. SYD says he sees BERNARD from time to time down at PLANETARIUM. SYD says BERNARD has totally given up on economics. BERNARD thinks the TENTACLES are out thereâ€¦ that they might already control the entire music business. He refuses to listen to anything other than PETER, PAUL, AND MARY. SYD says he feels bad for BERNARD. He still thinks he should have gone in BERNARDâ€™s place. SYD made the mistake of saying that to BERNARD once. BERNARD went ballistic. He kept on screaming, â€œWho would have put the RADIO TUBE in the RADIO?â€� Someone told me BERNARD rigged up this RED BUTTON in his apartment. He sits around most nights in front of the RED BUTTON pretending he has the power to blow up the planet. I heard the RED BUTTON is just wired to a ROTATING TIE RACK but donâ€™t tell BERNARD that. Itâ€™s kind of weird you know. It makes you wonder what really happened behind closed doors up at MANIAC MANSION.

How to win Virtual Friends and Virtually Influence Virtual People

2005-03-31T17:00:00.000-07:00

I have another question: See Clearancebin, there's this girl. We post comments on the same blog. If I would like to get to know her, would this work: "Hey girl, we post on the same blog, yo. I was wandering if you wanna go out for chicken wings later. My boy at Tuckers can get them for 25 cents a pop." Is "blog" a concept that is sufficiently established that the use of such a "connection" would be conducive towards an effective pickup line? And two, by nature, are relationships birthed on a "blog" meant to transcend cyberspace?
Thanks,
Nehl Cloete
Tuvalu Islands

To answer this question and the myriad others which stem from it we must first have a brief lesson in history. The year is 1981. The golden cans of New Coke appear in convience stores across our great nation. Reaganomics is baling out a floundering General Motors so that Iococa can outsource to Mexico. And, Kraftwerk bursts upon the American music scene with their aristotechnopopsynth smatter "Computer World". The hitherto eurosnobic technophiliac scene finds its American audience to the tune of Cassie Caseum bitching about whistles and farts as Kraftwerk's "Home Computer" and "Computer Love" top the charts. In particular the minimalist lyrics of "Computer World" spoke to the hearts of VGA porn fanatics in a way that Leasure Suit Larry and the Machine Sex demostrations of Survival Research labs never could. Reading like a hiaku generated randomly by Deep Blue "Computer Love" nonetheless became an unofficial anthem for young men across America who had found themselves lusting after the android version of Daryl Hannan that played Daryl Hannan as an andriod in the film adaptation of PK Dicks classic "Do Androids dream of Getting their Freak on" entitled "Blade Humper"
I think the Lyrics may still find a place in the hearts of young bloggers across this virtual world:
"I call the number
I call the number
for a data date
for a data date
Computer Love
Computer Love
Computer Love
Computer Love
^syntax error^"
So, the groundwerk has been already been done and the health of virtual relationships is to say the least peachy. Nevertheless, the quiet muse of the virtual world is born from the fact that we can be someone other than the chartered accountants that we've all sadly become. By assuming virtual identities we can be exciting movers and shakers that do wild things like participate in all night sex chats and virtual wars without our hands ever leaving the keyboard. Is the blog established enough as environment for the flowers of love to blossom and bare fruit? The simple answer is yes-- as long as the so called pick up line is taylored to the confines of its environment. Unfortunately, the fresh and titillating potentials of your prooffered line will exceed the limits engendered by a virtual relationship. "Hey girl, we post on the same blog, yo. I was wandering if you wanna go out for chicken wings later. My boy at Tuckers can get them for 25 cents a pop." While pregnant with all the jive hipness of a feasable pickup line for a bar or night club this pickup line would likely short circuit if used on the web. This is true for a number of reasons not the least of which is the over all inconvience of it. The participant must actually get up off their ass and do something. This seldom is a top priority for us bloggies. The opener might be slightly peared down to "Hey Grrl wtf u need some swm asap?" this gets the essentials right out on the hyperspace table. A more subtle approach is "Yo Bitch, u 2 much, we's mix'n tits in the clippy fo a fortnight." Both these openers display your mastery of the environment and situation. The second request simply will not work, and is stand alone grounds for rejection. Convience is the name of the game. So a suitable trade might be "You wanna take it on over to the Sims online and gets them some BBQ and later let em do what they's do best?" or perhaps the more personal "What say I snail mail you some hot wings and you eat them in front of your webcam?" So I guess by way of arguement we've answered the second question. Relationships of the cyberworld are best left in the cyberworld. Its simple economics.

To a Dog Unboned

2005-03-27T17:13:00.000-07:00

â€œIf my best isnâ€™t good enough
how can it be good enough for two?
I canâ€™t work any harder than I do!
Somebody tell me
Wonâ€™t you tell me
Why I work so hard for you?
Give you money
I want to give you money. Ow!
Uhhun uhhun do do doâ€�
-an eighties song I heard on the radio

Question, Clearance Bin: What is the best way to get rid of library fines? Second Question: If I am stealing books for the time being because I am blacklisted, and will return them in bulk when I am done, will my crimes be absolved by the spirit of Athenaeum?
-Nehl Cloete
www.nehlcloete.blogspot.com

Good Questions, which I shall satisfy in full. The first question sets the stage for all manner of discourse. How do we define what is best? Do we mean best for the individual or best for the community at large? Or perhaps to know what is best we must weigh out a substance both esoteric and abstract that disavowâ€™s obligations to self and society. Or maybe best is just a matter of taste. It is rumored that Socratesâ€™ first discourse on judgement argued that the only way to know what is best is to lick things with your tongue. He argued that by this method it is readily clear that to live by the fruits of the vine is far better than to live by the sword. But, upon offering his allagory of the cavernous mouth in which he compared the metaphisical to exotic tastes sliding across the tongue he found himself the brunt of all manner of jokes (particularly a pun playing on the vernacular idiom â€œsay it donâ€™t spray itâ€� forwarded by one Odius of Conspicula), and determined that the ridicule of the others though essentially without taste was none the less not best.

But, I digress. Here are a number of resolutions which we shall examine:
-Out live the librarian
-Change your identity and start a new account
-Pay the fines

To out live the librarian is truly best for oneself, but it raises a number of problems. First, we cannot readily assume that the librarian will not be replaced by another librarian who in turn will familiarize themselves with the accounts due to their predicessor. And, if the out living is to be accomplished without any foul play (ie poisons, knives, shark tanks, etc) this also posses the problem of not being able to use your library card for a number of years.

To change your identity and start a new account is simply very popular in our so called information age. Often this is done without any real breach of ethics as evidenced in the changing of email accounts or that guy in Illinois who changed his name to They. The community at large does not suffer anymore when a single individual decides to change their identity or gender. But, what would happen if the entire community changed its identity whenever it had the notion? Things would get pretty confusing.

Now, to pay the fines is obviously not best for a number of reasons. I only mention it here in order to take our discourse to the most extreme level. Fines are neither benificial to the community nor the individual and serve no higher power other than that of Darkness and ignorance.

Having exhausted the most common solutions to this problem let me apply my own method. I advise you to exchange identities with your librarian and make them pay the fines. This is by far the best on all levels.

The answer to the second question is quite simply â€œnoâ€�. The Spirit of Athenaeum was bought out by Coca Cola last year and no long absolves sins other than the sin of not having an ice cold can of caffeine within reach. Blockbuster has taken over those sins previously monitored by the Spirit and we all know what hard asses the good people at Blockbuster can be (with or without late fees).

Just Another Blog (JAB) or The Great Wallpaper Caper

2005-03-24T17:37:00.000-07:00

I have just realized that scoundrels are stealing my blog's wallpaper. I have not detected how they infiltrated my blog. They must be using holes in space time. This is particularly alarming to me for two reasons. First, all of my inspiration comes from staring at these polka-dots. Second, these scoundrel blogs are much more inspiring. So, they must be stealing my inspiration as well. This inspiration theft could only be taking place through transdimensional rifts. So, the fate of the universe is at risk. Please join with me in actively posting annoying comments all over these scoundrel blogs:

foxtrotrush.blogspot.com - an obvious hooligan
prascabecas.blogspot.com - it's written in some kind of code
downfallrexlovesusiecat.blogspot.com - this one to
samplesconnection.blogspot.com - a puppet in a diabolical punch and judy routine
jsunpage.blogspot.com - the mechanic
carmelasolon.blogspot.com - I suspect this blog is the ring leader

The fate of the universe is in our hands. We must use our powers to annoy. Also, please post annoying comments on any blog that claims itâ€™s not just another blog.

Roll Over Ovid: The Annotated Steamy Chat Room

2005-03-12T01:40:00.000-07:00

Section 1: Introduction and Courtship displays.

Luigibilly2: who wants me Masculine courtship display as also observed in large migratory mammals (Rowbine and Seebler)
Thavylolo: NOT
UIlrhino: whassup homies A hip and well versed consumer greeting circa 2002 See also Budweiser Commercials; Super Friends
Xrayut: who wants me Ibid. This is a competing display.
Girlscout1970: NOT ME Female denile of courtship display based solely on Luigibilly2's rediculous screen name and tactless approach, use of all caps indicates extreme degree of negation. See also Pilgrim's Progress
Thavylolo: NO
Girlscout1970: THIS ROOM IS GAY Ibid. Further denile aimed at attacking not only the male suitors but also the engendered atmosphere of unwanted advances, See also My Two Dads
Luigibilly2: who wants me Ibid.
Mana76: who r u Female interest, hip and fresh spelling and obscure biblical reference in screen name indicates single parent from the south who still shops at Wet Seal inspite of early onset of worry lines See also Prince; Artist Formerly Known as; and Prince part II
Girlscout1970: MYSELF Female attempt to turn conversation. Said in answer to above question of identity. Indicates presence of American flag bumpersticker on Girlscout1970's Saturn coupe.

Section 2: The Guiless Worm, Homosexuality and Judge Judy

Thavylolo: R U GAY Perennial subject interest.
Xrayut: who r u Return question from an ovious drunk
Luigibilly2: somboy Also drunk.
Streeracer FX: who me
Thavylolo: U hip spelling of the second person singular
Luigibilly2: na adverb used in negation
Girlscout1970: NOPE BUT IVEDRAWN TO CONCLUSIONS THAT YOU MIGHT BE enter the prosecuting attorney, use of all caps drives point home and makes rather lengthy response more readable
Streeracer FX: me
Thavylolo: LIRE hip mispelling adds credance to arguement, use of all caps see above
Streeracer FX: what
Thavylolo: L I R E ibid, additional spacing indicates the slander is being spelled out ergo to add insult to injury the attackie is both daft and dishonest, See also Classic Come Backs volume 2: 1986

Section 3: Gleeming the Cube and other Obtuse Innuendos

Luigibilly2: who likes hos hos noun plural, singular form ho, a prostitute, slang a girl who "puts out", ie is verile. Another perenial subject, See also, Shout Out, Hip hop, In Living Color
Mana76: ne one wanna chat with a 15 f nyc Ne, phoenetic spelling "any", wanna "want to", 15 f nyc, "fifteen year old female in New York City" and/or FBI agent, See also Personal Adds
Xrayut: I might be you might be we drunken rambling perenial See also Deep and Yin-Yang Emoticons
Girlscout1970: WHATEVER definition: general apathy, modified by all caps to an extreme apathy, See also This is the Nineties, Valley Girl, and "Talk to the hand"
Thavylolo: U
CHUNGZY2009: any cuttie in here
Luigibilly2: 15 fnyc
Streeracer FX: are u talking to me
Streeracer FX: ??? interrogative, imperative form
Thavylolo: HELL YEAH See also Hell yes, Hella, And Divine Comedy book one
Mana76: aney hott boys here
Girlscout1970: HEY
Streeracer FX: man fuck u
Mana76: hay thats not nice
Thavylolo: SO
Luigibilly2: who loves 3 somes on tha net any 1 perenial subject from the Greek, See also Chasing Amy, Jerry Springer
Streeracer FX: ya so interrogative "yeah?", with apathetic modifiers indicates mind annoyance
TipToes03: HEY YALL WUT UP "Word up" defining "Greetings and salutations" see also Heathers, MC Hammer.
Luigibilly2: any 1 "any one", See also Ferris Bueller's day off
Xrayut: who like to talk dirty Perenial male quest
Streeracer FX: what??
Thavylolo: MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE First personal extremical
Streeracer FX: fuck this room
TipToes03: ??????????????????
Thavylolo: FORGET IT
Luigibilly2: me girlsscout and mana76

Section 4: Fanfare and fire, the Fruits of our corrupted Bodily Fluids

DimePiece61301: If your thinking to yourself," I NEED SEX " Click Here To Get It Not to be confused with above male courtship rituals, this is an advertisement for an internet casino
Xrayut: who like to talk poopy talk perenial subject from the German, see also South Park, fetishes
Thavylolo: UR ALL GAY "you are" insult to chat room and chatters
Xrayut: lol "Laughing out loud"
TipToes03: LOL "laughing out louder"
Xrayut: i am tri-sexual thank u joke cirica 1994
Luigibilly2: yo mamas gay insult see also Your mama is...; San Franciso, Oscar Wilde.

Requiem for a NPC

2004-09-16T15:29:00.000-06:00

The world is veiled in
Darkness. The wind stops,
The sea is wild,
And the earth begins to rot.
The people wait,
Their only hope, a prophecy....
â€œWhen the world is in darkness
Four Warriors will come...."
After a long journey, four
Young warriors arrive,
Each holding an ORB.
-Final Fantasy I

We gather here today to remember Kary of Final Fantasy I. Kary was not the most original NPC ever. She did inhabit the relatively exotic location of Gurgu Volcano just northwest of the sleepy town of Crescent Lake, but her unmistakable resemblance to Kali the Hindu goddess of death cannot be overlooked (Trollock you FOOL, those were MY FAQ notes). As regards the path to Kary's lair, I find the words of one Brian P. Sulpher most poetic in his recently published Final Fantasy walkthrough: "Now you are FINALLY ready to go the Gurgu Volcano, but you may want to drop by Crescent Lake to buy the Exit spell for your White Wizard or Red Wizard. Regardless, find the Gurgu Volcano (northwest of Crescent Lake, east of Elfland), use a tent to save just outside of it, and then head into the fiery depths below!" Please fellow gamers let us forgive his mistaking a MAGE for a WIZARD (Mr. Sulpher, one Grimlock17 of AOL may contact you in this regard. Please, ignore his seductive subject lines: his correspondence is nothing but degenerate emoticons). True, the approach to Gurgu Volcano was beauteous. Also true, the use of CANOE irrepressibly whimsical. But, that final fight... vicious though it maybe, was tainted, yea I say TAINTED by the Post-modern weaknesses of Kary. Physically Kari was fit for the task; her HP was 600, and her use of the spells FIR2, DARK, FIR2, DARK, FIR2, HOLD, FIR2, HOLD at times overwhelming (especially when playing with the refreshing "party of theifs" sic Catyrlane). But, only a child could truly be held in this NPCâ€™s thrall. Only a child (see also one Kinglord of Playerâ€™s Lairs) could find this religious rip-off inspiring. Yet, only a man could ever satisfy Kary. You see Kary was forever trapped in her fiery lair, enslaved even by her desire to satisfy young roleplayers around the world. Kary was a victim of love, a casualty of war, shot through the heart (and you are to blameâ€¦) Look into your heart, and you will find a place for Kary. She only wanted to know your white hot passion, not your white mageâ€™s knowledge of STUN. She only wanted to help you find yourself in Gurgu Volcano. She was there for you in your hour of need. So, as we pass by Kary today, she has asked that we place not roses on her grave. She has ask that we spare the flowers in favor of a simple song. And, so let us join hands and whistle the battle theme from Final Fantasy.