To a Dog Unboned

“If my best isn’t good enough
how can it be good enough for two?
I can’t work any harder than I do!
Somebody tell me
Won’t you tell me
Why I work so hard for you?
Give you money
I want to give you money. Ow!
Uhhun uhhun do do do�
-an eighties song I heard on the radio

Question, Clearance Bin: What is the best way to get rid of library fines? Second Question: If I am stealing books for the time being because I am blacklisted, and will return them in bulk when I am done, will my crimes be absolved by the spirit of Athenaeum?
-Nehl Cloete
www.nehlcloete.blogspot.com

Good Questions, which I shall satisfy in full. The first question sets the stage for all manner of discourse. How do we define what is best? Do we mean best for the individual or best for the community at large? Or perhaps to know what is best we must weigh out a substance both esoteric and abstract that disavow’s obligations to self and society. Or maybe best is just a matter of taste. It is rumored that Socrates’ first discourse on judgement argued that the only way to know what is best is to lick things with your tongue. He argued that by this method it is readily clear that to live by the fruits of the vine is far better than to live by the sword. But, upon offering his allagory of the cavernous mouth in which he compared the metaphisical to exotic tastes sliding across the tongue he found himself the brunt of all manner of jokes (particularly a pun playing on the vernacular idiom “say it don’t spray it� forwarded by one Odius of Conspicula), and determined that the ridicule of the others though essentially without taste was none the less not best.

But, I digress. Here are a number of resolutions which we shall examine:
-Out live the librarian
-Change your identity and start a new account
-Pay the fines

To out live the librarian is truly best for oneself, but it raises a number of problems. First, we cannot readily assume that the librarian will not be replaced by another librarian who in turn will familiarize themselves with the accounts due to their predicessor. And, if the out living is to be accomplished without any foul play (ie poisons, knives, shark tanks, etc) this also posses the problem of not being able to use your library card for a number of years.

To change your identity and start a new account is simply very popular in our so called information age. Often this is done without any real breach of ethics as evidenced in the changing of email accounts or that guy in Illinois who changed his name to They. The community at large does not suffer anymore when a single individual decides to change their identity or gender. But, what would happen if the entire community changed its identity whenever it had the notion? Things would get pretty confusing.

Now, to pay the fines is obviously not best for a number of reasons. I only mention it here in order to take our discourse to the most extreme level. Fines are neither benificial to the community nor the individual and serve no higher power other than that of Darkness and ignorance.

Having exhausted the most common solutions to this problem let me apply my own method. I advise you to exchange identities with your librarian and make them pay the fines. This is by far the best on all levels.

The answer to the second question is quite simply “no�. The Spirit of Athenaeum was bought out by Coca Cola last year and no long absolves sins other than the sin of not having an ice cold can of caffeine within reach. Blockbuster has taken over those sins previously monitored by the Spirit and we all know what hard asses the good people at Blockbuster can be (with or without late fees).