SPRING CLEARANCE SALE – SAVE ON GRAYS

Welcome to Savingsville! All items 50.1-63.2% off list price. Only while supplies last. Confederate coinage accepted. Take up arms and fight for your right to consume. Some items may test as radioactive (this is just a pinko ploy). Toys not suitable to children under the age of 27 with the exception of the tobacco flavored pacifier and musical hangman's noose.

• Fluffy Tickle-Me War for Peace, $6.66—Originally marketed as the "Amazing Collapsible Diplomat" the makers shifted focus with market trends and increasing appeal of reality television. Watch and wonder as the Fluffy Tickle-Me War for Peace pastes flags and ribbons on mini vans and SUVs across the nation. Gape and gawk at zany bondage antics and musical puppets. Dine on Eagle Burgers and Freedom Fries. But, don't touch the issues! They're hot.
  

• Preemptive Barbie, $13.13—Look out Ken! This is one Barbie you don't even want to think about messing with. Parents will love Preemptive Barbie for her rounded, no-cut-em edges and George Bush ethics; kids will love Preemptive Barbie for her impossibly huge jugs and Dick Cheney potty mouth. Preemptive Barbie puts the smack down before aggressions ever flair up. But watch out! She'll give you a slap just for looking funny.
  

• Inflatable Hot-Air School, $1.00—Kids love to play school. Why not humor them and keep an eye on the pocketbook? The Hot-Air School lets kids play school until they are bored enough to want to play with guns. An added benefit is that the Hot-Air School has absolutely no educational value whatsoever. So, there will still be plenty of uneducated and expendable graduates to flip burgers and fight wars.
  

• Simulation Paper, $9.99—Got Sims Fever? You need this simulation paper. It simulates real paper in everyway. It even gives simulation paper cuts! Excellent for simulating notes for simulation tasks you need your Sims to simulate. Made from 100% post-simulated waste.
  

• Miraculous Time Traveling Robot Doctor, prices may vary with wait times—that’s right time travel is possible, and the craze is sweeping the nation. And, who can benefit more from time travel than physicians? That's why the makers of Carcinogen Critters and Coronary Glue have turned their attentions to the future of medicine. As government and corporate regulations take control from the doctors’ hands why not just nix the human element and give the control to robots? It just makes sense. Robots never make mistakes (sic), and they do exactly what you tell them. As an added bonus, the Time Traveling Robot Doctor will take your rising healthcare costs and dump them on future generations.
  

• Add-Away, $19.99—Do advertisements annoy and distract you? Do you find yourself roaming the strip malls and grocery stores craving products you don’t need? Well, you don't have to put up with billboards and radio advertisements anymore. Join thousands of others in the Add-Away revolution and permanently wipe those consumer concerns away. Developed by “concerned people in the mental health fieldâ€� this simple, do-it-yourself kit has everything you need to sew your eyes shut and remove that unwanted sense of hearing. Sanity is spelled, “Add-Awayâ€�.
  

• Middle East Monopoly, $50.00 (play money accepted)—Pay up Osama you just hung your hat at the Saddam plaza hotel. You might have been better off staying at that cute little green bungalow on the Gaza Strip. Looks like you’re going to have to take out a second mortgage on the oil works. Hey kids! Don’t worry its just Middle East Monopoly. Parents, here’s a great opportunity to show your kids the fun of carving up sovereign nations while teaching them the valuable lessons of brutality and cutthroat economics. Clever “chance cardsâ€� keep the balance with real world situations like “Crazed fanatics lob a grenade into the crowds at your highest paying hotel lobby! Lose one hotel.â€� Or “Occupying nation changes your currency to highly inflated paper money. Gain $100 for five minutes, and then loose $500.â€� Warning: some editions of Middle East Monopoly contain traces of leprosy.
  

• Dictionary of Chat (DOC), $4.11—Whassup homie! All your virtual friends are like rolf lol, and you’re like omg wtf. wwjd? Get the doc asap u sob, or ur sol. ;-)

• Passion of Christ Prozac dispenser, $7.77—Hast, current events and daytime television got thee down? Thou must turn thine gaze no further than this beautiful silver cross pendant. It storest threefold shekels of Prozac! Medical science hath proven that the two most effective ways to battle depression beith prescription drugs and a healthy dose of faith. And so, I sayest unto thee, why not benefit from both with this elegant and practical piece of jewelry? Warning: May contain lead.
  

• Magic Rocks, $3.00—These magic rocks were used by ancient magicians as paving stones. They bring magic to any simple home task from holding down loose papers to holding open the door. So, put some magic in your life with these magical rocks.
  

• LASIK Keychain, $5.00—For the laser loving prankster in all of us what could be better than a real life surgical laser? Permanently blind those obnoxious tailgaters or practice eye surgery on neighborhood dogs. The fun is only limited by your imagination. Batteries not included.
  

• Package Bomb Comb, $7.50—Win friends and alarm airport security with this comb cleverly disguised as a package bomb.
  

• Weed-B-Damned, $3.11—Guaranteed to torch every weed known to man. Scientifically engineered from a special blend of gasoline and Styrofoam, Weed-B-Damned will send your weeds back to hell where they belong. Simply apply to trouble spots on your lawn and add fire.
  

• Psychoactive Chemistry Set, $4.20—Ever wonder how mental health patients battle their urges to eat glass? Or, how Lewis Carroll dreamed up “Alice in Wonderlandâ€�? Well, now you can experiment for yourself with this easy-to-use chemistry set. The Psychoactive Chemistry Set comes with everything you need to unlock the mysteries of your mind. Climb to the heights of heaven or plunge to the fires of hell without ever leaving your room. Instructions detail the way to make over fifty different psychoactive chemicals including popular chemicals like lysergic acid diethylamide, isosafrole, safrole, methamphetamine, and caffeine.
  

• Bill O’Reilly Meditative Fountain, 2 cents—Need a quiet, meditative place to contemplate the Zen paradoxes of Fox news? The Bill O’Reilly Meditative Fountain offers the soothing sounds of falling water and the comforting opinions of the O’Reilly Factor all in one beautiful setting. Elegantly carved in synthetic stone the craggy features of the O’man’s face offer the solace of his menacing gaze. So, escape the passions of a level orange terrorist warning to the wisdom of such O’Reillyisms as “Don’t hide under your desk.â€� and “If I were in charge, the Feds would win the war on drugs in a couple of weeks.â€�
  

• Incinerating Mailbox, $19.99—Tired of junk mail? This mailbox doubles as an incinerator- effectively turning paper to ash in under four minutes.
  

• “The Dickâ€� anti-theft device, $3.00—Protect your car from thieves with this giant penis. “The Dickâ€� locks in place on your car’s roof effectively warding off those poorly endowed car thieves.
  

• America’s Favorite Hairpiece, $5.16—New from the makers of urine scented soap and non-Chinese finger cuffs, America’s Favorite Hairpiece will cover the undesirable effects of balding. Made for 100% cotton this simple baseball cap emblazoned with the word “Toupeeâ€� will turn heads when you walk by. Make the woman all wish they had a bald man in their life with America’s Favorite Hairpiece.