How to win Virtual Friends and Virtually Influence Virtual People

I have another question: See Clearancebin, there's this girl. We post comments on the same blog. If I would like to get to know her, would this work: "Hey girl, we post on the same blog, yo. I was wandering if you wanna go out for chicken wings later. My boy at Tuckers can get them for 25 cents a pop." Is "blog" a concept that is sufficiently established that the use of such a "connection" would be conducive towards an effective pickup line? And two, by nature, are relationships birthed on a "blog" meant to transcend cyberspace?
Thanks,
Nehl Cloete
Tuvalu Islands

To answer this question and the myriad others which stem from it we must first have a brief lesson in history. The year is 1981. The golden cans of New Coke appear in convience stores across our great nation. Reaganomics is baling out a floundering General Motors so that Iococa can outsource to Mexico. And, Kraftwerk bursts upon the American music scene with their aristotechnopopsynth smatter "Computer World". The hitherto eurosnobic technophiliac scene finds its American audience to the tune of Cassie Caseum bitching about whistles and farts as Kraftwerk's "Home Computer" and "Computer Love" top the charts. In particular the minimalist lyrics of "Computer World" spoke to the hearts of VGA porn fanatics in a way that Leasure Suit Larry and the Machine Sex demostrations of Survival Research labs never could. Reading like a hiaku generated randomly by Deep Blue "Computer Love" nonetheless became an unofficial anthem for young men across America who had found themselves lusting after the android version of Daryl Hannan that played Daryl Hannan as an andriod in the film adaptation of PK Dicks classic "Do Androids dream of Getting their Freak on" entitled "Blade Humper"
I think the Lyrics may still find a place in the hearts of young bloggers across this virtual world:
"I call the number
I call the number
for a data date
for a data date
Computer Love
Computer Love
Computer Love
Computer Love
^syntax error^"
So, the groundwerk has been already been done and the health of virtual relationships is to say the least peachy. Nevertheless, the quiet muse of the virtual world is born from the fact that we can be someone other than the chartered accountants that we've all sadly become. By assuming virtual identities we can be exciting movers and shakers that do wild things like participate in all night sex chats and virtual wars without our hands ever leaving the keyboard. Is the blog established enough as environment for the flowers of love to blossom and bare fruit? The simple answer is yes-- as long as the so called pick up line is taylored to the confines of its environment. Unfortunately, the fresh and titillating potentials of your prooffered line will exceed the limits engendered by a virtual relationship. "Hey girl, we post on the same blog, yo. I was wandering if you wanna go out for chicken wings later. My boy at Tuckers can get them for 25 cents a pop." While pregnant with all the jive hipness of a feasable pickup line for a bar or night club this pickup line would likely short circuit if used on the web. This is true for a number of reasons not the least of which is the over all inconvience of it. The participant must actually get up off their ass and do something. This seldom is a top priority for us bloggies. The opener might be slightly peared down to "Hey Grrl wtf u need some swm asap?" this gets the essentials right out on the hyperspace table. A more subtle approach is "Yo Bitch, u 2 much, we's mix'n tits in the clippy fo a fortnight." Both these openers display your mastery of the environment and situation. The second request simply will not work, and is stand alone grounds for rejection. Convience is the name of the game. So a suitable trade might be "You wanna take it on over to the Sims online and gets them some BBQ and later let em do what they's do best?" or perhaps the more personal "What say I snail mail you some hot wings and you eat them in front of your webcam?" So I guess by way of arguement we've answered the second question. Relationships of the cyberworld are best left in the cyberworld. Its simple economics.

To a Dog Unboned

“If my best isn’t good enough
how can it be good enough for two?
I can’t work any harder than I do!
Somebody tell me
Won’t you tell me
Why I work so hard for you?
Give you money
I want to give you money. Ow!
Uhhun uhhun do do do�
-an eighties song I heard on the radio

Question, Clearance Bin: What is the best way to get rid of library fines? Second Question: If I am stealing books for the time being because I am blacklisted, and will return them in bulk when I am done, will my crimes be absolved by the spirit of Athenaeum?
-Nehl Cloete
www.nehlcloete.blogspot.com

Good Questions, which I shall satisfy in full. The first question sets the stage for all manner of discourse. How do we define what is best? Do we mean best for the individual or best for the community at large? Or perhaps to know what is best we must weigh out a substance both esoteric and abstract that disavow’s obligations to self and society. Or maybe best is just a matter of taste. It is rumored that Socrates’ first discourse on judgement argued that the only way to know what is best is to lick things with your tongue. He argued that by this method it is readily clear that to live by the fruits of the vine is far better than to live by the sword. But, upon offering his allagory of the cavernous mouth in which he compared the metaphisical to exotic tastes sliding across the tongue he found himself the brunt of all manner of jokes (particularly a pun playing on the vernacular idiom “say it don’t spray it� forwarded by one Odius of Conspicula), and determined that the ridicule of the others though essentially without taste was none the less not best.

But, I digress. Here are a number of resolutions which we shall examine:
-Out live the librarian
-Change your identity and start a new account
-Pay the fines

To out live the librarian is truly best for oneself, but it raises a number of problems. First, we cannot readily assume that the librarian will not be replaced by another librarian who in turn will familiarize themselves with the accounts due to their predicessor. And, if the out living is to be accomplished without any foul play (ie poisons, knives, shark tanks, etc) this also posses the problem of not being able to use your library card for a number of years.

To change your identity and start a new account is simply very popular in our so called information age. Often this is done without any real breach of ethics as evidenced in the changing of email accounts or that guy in Illinois who changed his name to They. The community at large does not suffer anymore when a single individual decides to change their identity or gender. But, what would happen if the entire community changed its identity whenever it had the notion? Things would get pretty confusing.

Now, to pay the fines is obviously not best for a number of reasons. I only mention it here in order to take our discourse to the most extreme level. Fines are neither benificial to the community nor the individual and serve no higher power other than that of Darkness and ignorance.

Having exhausted the most common solutions to this problem let me apply my own method. I advise you to exchange identities with your librarian and make them pay the fines. This is by far the best on all levels.

The answer to the second question is quite simply “no�. The Spirit of Athenaeum was bought out by Coca Cola last year and no long absolves sins other than the sin of not having an ice cold can of caffeine within reach. Blockbuster has taken over those sins previously monitored by the Spirit and we all know what hard asses the good people at Blockbuster can be (with or without late fees).

Just Another Blog (JAB) or The Great Wallpaper Caper

I have just realized that scoundrels are stealing my blog's wallpaper. I have not detected how they infiltrated my blog. They must be using holes in space time. This is particularly alarming to me for two reasons. First, all of my inspiration comes from staring at these polka-dots. Second, these scoundrel blogs are much more inspiring. So, they must be stealing my inspiration as well. This inspiration theft could only be taking place through transdimensional rifts. So, the fate of the universe is at risk. Please join with me in actively posting annoying comments all over these scoundrel blogs:

foxtrotrush.blogspot.com - an obvious hooligan
prascabecas.blogspot.com - it's written in some kind of code
downfallrexlovesusiecat.blogspot.com - this one to
samplesconnection.blogspot.com - a puppet in a diabolical punch and judy routine
jsunpage.blogspot.com - the mechanic
carmelasolon.blogspot.com - I suspect this blog is the ring leader

The fate of the universe is in our hands. We must use our powers to annoy. Also, please post annoying comments on any blog that claims it’s not just another blog.

Roll Over Ovid: The Annotated Steamy Chat Room

Section 1: Introduction and Courtship displays.

Luigibilly2: who wants me Masculine courtship display as also observed in large migratory mammals (Rowbine and Seebler)
Thavylolo: NOT
UIlrhino: whassup homies A hip and well versed consumer greeting circa 2002 See also Budweiser Commercials; Super Friends
Xrayut: who wants me Ibid. This is a competing display.
Girlscout1970: NOT ME Female denile of courtship display based solely on Luigibilly2's rediculous screen name and tactless approach, use of all caps indicates extreme degree of negation. See also Pilgrim's Progress
Thavylolo: NO
Girlscout1970: THIS ROOM IS GAY Ibid. Further denile aimed at attacking not only the male suitors but also the engendered atmosphere of unwanted advances, See also My Two Dads
Luigibilly2: who wants me Ibid.
Mana76: who r u Female interest, hip and fresh spelling and obscure biblical reference in screen name indicates single parent from the south who still shops at Wet Seal inspite of early onset of worry lines See also Prince; Artist Formerly Known as; and Prince part II
Girlscout1970: MYSELF Female attempt to turn conversation. Said in answer to above question of identity. Indicates presence of American flag bumpersticker on Girlscout1970's Saturn coupe.

Section 2: The Guiless Worm, Homosexuality and Judge Judy

Thavylolo: R U GAY Perennial subject interest.
Xrayut: who r u Return question from an ovious drunk
Luigibilly2: somboy Also drunk.
Streeracer FX: who me
Thavylolo: U hip spelling of the second person singular
Luigibilly2: na adverb used in negation
Girlscout1970: NOPE BUT IVEDRAWN TO CONCLUSIONS THAT YOU MIGHT BE enter the prosecuting attorney, use of all caps drives point home and makes rather lengthy response more readable
Streeracer FX: me
Thavylolo: LIRE hip mispelling adds credance to arguement, use of all caps see above
Streeracer FX: what
Thavylolo: L I R E ibid, additional spacing indicates the slander is being spelled out ergo to add insult to injury the attackie is both daft and dishonest, See also Classic Come Backs volume 2: 1986

Section 3: Gleeming the Cube and other Obtuse Innuendos

Luigibilly2: who likes hos hos noun plural, singular form ho, a prostitute, slang a girl who "puts out", ie is verile. Another perenial subject, See also, Shout Out, Hip hop, In Living Color
Mana76: ne one wanna chat with a 15 f nyc Ne, phoenetic spelling "any", wanna "want to", 15 f nyc, "fifteen year old female in New York City" and/or FBI agent, See also Personal Adds
Xrayut: I might be you might be we drunken rambling perenial See also Deep and Yin-Yang Emoticons
Girlscout1970: WHATEVER definition: general apathy, modified by all caps to an extreme apathy, See also This is the Nineties, Valley Girl, and "Talk to the hand"
Thavylolo: U
CHUNGZY2009: any cuttie in here
Luigibilly2: 15 fnyc
Streeracer FX: are u talking to me
Streeracer FX: ??? interrogative, imperative form
Thavylolo: HELL YEAH See also Hell yes, Hella, And Divine Comedy book one
Mana76: aney hott boys here
Girlscout1970: HEY
Streeracer FX: man fuck u
Mana76: hay thats not nice
Thavylolo: SO
Luigibilly2: who loves 3 somes on tha net any 1 perenial subject from the Greek, See also Chasing Amy, Jerry Springer
Streeracer FX: ya so interrogative "yeah?", with apathetic modifiers indicates mind annoyance
TipToes03: HEY YALL WUT UP "Word up" defining "Greetings and salutations" see also Heathers, MC Hammer.
Luigibilly2: any 1 "any one", See also Ferris Bueller's day off
Xrayut: who like to talk dirty Perenial male quest
Streeracer FX: what??
Thavylolo: MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE First personal extremical
Streeracer FX: fuck this room
TipToes03: ??????????????????
Thavylolo: FORGET IT
Luigibilly2: me girlsscout and mana76

Section 4: Fanfare and fire, the Fruits of our corrupted Bodily Fluids

DimePiece61301: If your thinking to yourself," I NEED SEX " Click Here To Get It Not to be confused with above male courtship rituals, this is an advertisement for an internet casino
Xrayut: who like to talk poopy talk perenial subject from the German, see also South Park, fetishes
Thavylolo: UR ALL GAY "you are" insult to chat room and chatters
Xrayut: lol "Laughing out loud"
TipToes03: LOL "laughing out louder"
Xrayut: i am tri-sexual thank u joke cirica 1994
Luigibilly2: yo mamas gay insult see also Your mama is...; San Franciso, Oscar Wilde.