Why they call me the Ice Man.

“What is in a nickname?
Would the Fonze, by any other name,
be just as cool?�
-Bill “The Man� Shakespeare.

I’ve never been the kind of guy that has a nickname. I mean I’d like a nickname, but I can’t just go up to my friends and say, “Hey I want a nick-name. So, think one up and get back to me, or I’ll have to just do it myself.� It’d never go over. With good reason I suppose. Nicknames aren’t just something you can just go out and get; you have to earn them somehow. It seems like there are two kinds of guys that earn nicknames. There are the ones like Fonzie that kind of earn a nickname because of an inside joke and yet are still left on the outside. I mean here’s this thirty-something drop out that just cares about his hair and dances like a Prussian and hangs out in the bathroom of the local malt shop. What else could he be but the Fonze you know? His is a life so vacant he is oblivious to just how absurd he appears to those around him. Like there was this guy that used to hang out at the roller skating rink when I was a kid. Everybody called him Lizard. I mean he was in his late twenties maybe older. He had this little mustache you know. And he could roller skate really good like a living legend or something. But, then you like pull back for a second and think about it, and it’s just like what a loser. You know? That’s one kind of nickname. And, I can say I am glad I haven’t earned myself a nickname in that camp. The other general nickname is the one that you earn because you really are cool, not the Fonzie cool you know where you’re trying to be cool. But, the other kind of cool where you really are cool or mellow or just yourself you know and you cha-ching earn a nickname. These are the ones like Hawkeye on Mash. I knew this guy at camp that everybody called Booger. I mean he was cool you know. And, it’s like if you said Booger everybody knew whom you were talking about, but if you called him by his real name, which I think was John, everybody would just be like John who. Then, I guess between the two general types of nicknames there is like a spectrum of nicknames that are neither meta-cool nor cool. I would include among them nick-names of old blues musicians and gangsters, the professional nick-names like Blind Lemon or Mack the Knife or Billy the Kid. Then there’s also the weird world of women’s nicknames. They don’t happen too often and are only seen on the fringes of society—perhaps, in the military or on a sports team or even among the sub-culture-alternative-lifestyle set. These are the nicknames like Jiz or Hot Lips or perhaps Tits. That reminds me of this woman I knew named Wendy but everybody called her Blondie, I guess because of the band or something. But, she’d always say, “Rock Hard Tits Out� instead of “Good-bye�. I mean what are you supposed to say to that? Does a simple “Rock on� suffice? Anyway, the last little subset of nicknames is the non-committal types. These are the ones like Gentle Ben or Big Tom or even Little John. Or, like when you call a guy by his last name. These nicknames still include the person’s name. So, it’s not a totally true to life nickname. But it’s still kind of a nickname. Once, I tried to start a nickname for this guy I knew. His name was Tony, and he was a little fat. Not bad fat, he carried it well. He was a vegan actually, but he pretty much lived off fast food somehow. Anyway, I once tried out the nickname Fat Tony on him, you know from Fat Tony Domico on the Simpsons, but I think it hurt his feelings. The other weird thing about nicknames is there’s either like a whole bunch of people with nicknames in a group or there’s like just one maybe. This is kind of the way I imagine it would be in the military. Like everybody would have a nickname. There’d be Rocco the machine gunner and Red the demolitions guy and like Iggy the radio guy. I think this is also the way it was in some Indian tribes. They’d like get a generic name when they were born or something, and then when they got older they would earn a nickname like Crazy Horse or Sitting Bull or even Geronimo (which is not even an Apache word). The fact this nicknaming process differs with differing cultures raises all sorts of existential questions. When is your name really your name anyhow? Is it once you can say it or know what it means or when someone else says it? Do you have to be able to write or spell it before it’s really yours? What’s really in a name? I don’t know. Take my name for instance. I like my name, Ben. To my ear it sounds round and perhaps slightly rubberized like it could bounce… growing up with the name there were always the quasi-nicknames thrown at it. E.g. Gentle Ben, Benji, Bennie, Ben-Jamm’n, Big Ben… then there’s the diminutives like Ben Gay and Ben Dover. They never loose their appeal. I think my full name comes from the Bible. It translates roughly into either “the boy who hides the petroleum jelly� or “Son of my right hand� depending on the context. There was a time that I didn’t like my name. I don’t know why I didn’t like my name—I was a teenager. I think maybe it was because Ben doesn’t sound literary enough. I wanted a solid, novel-writing name like Ernest or Victor or Walker, you know. I think I realized I was pretty much screwed by my last name. You know how everybody calls novelist by their last names like they met in the locker room before P.E. “Hey, Faulkner pick up the slack. You’ve got six more laps around the gym.� Or “Hemingway! Get your ass over to the dodge ball court, pronto. Kafka and Poe are giving Nabokov the beating of his life.� Us Roberts tend to hide away in illustrations and rules of meetings. We readily acknowledge our last name’s inability to support a novel or sculpture. I mean did Faulkner or Kafka even have a first name? If they didn’t I don’t know what it is. And, Ernest Hemingway, I mean jeez it wasn’t enough that he had two bitch’n names just handed to him the minute he was born, he went and got himself a nickname on top of that… And, “Papa� is just such a cool nickname; it’s so full of confidence and hubris it makes me want to puke. Hear me now Nicknameous! God of nicknames, Lord of unoriginal puns! Truly your majesty is deserving of an altar in a bathroom somewhere. Your might has crushed kingdoms and canceled TV shows. Your wisdom is like the near-sighted serpent that knows shit from shinola with but a flick its tongue. Grant me but one real honest to goodness nickname, and I shall sacrifice something from the thrift store in your honor. Please make it kind of a cool nickname to. My humble suggestions are Lazer, Ice Man, or Hollywood.
Sincerely,
One boringly named person.

Clearancebin Teen Quiz #1: Is Suicide Right for You?

QUIZ QUESTIONS

1. The weather man says there’s a good chance of rain. You decide:
a. to bring your umbrella.
b. to wear your bright red slicker and yellow galoshes—there should be some great puddles to splash around in.
c. to stay in bed.
d. to ignore the weather man and his predictions; he is wrong most the time anyway.
e. None of the above.

2. There is a special some one in your life, and though the magic is certainly there, neither one of you has made a move. How would you confront them with your feelings?
a. Ask them if they’d like to go to lunch sometime and use their response as a way to measure their interest.
b. Leave a secret message where only they can find it and pour out your heart to them in poetry.
c. Call them on the phone and breathe heavily while masturbating.
d. Tell them to stop looking at you—you cannot stand the company of people. Everybody is a liar and hearts are only made to be broken.
e. None of the above.


3. Some friends ask you to go to a party with them. You decide:
a. to ask what you should bring.
b. to purge purge purge and book some time at the local salon; after all you want to look your best.
c. to refuse at first and then come late. Everybody will think you’re cool.
d. to tell them parties are like rotten meat. It is a gathering of maggots to feed on the dead flesh of expectations.
e. None of the above.

4. Your best friend calls you late at night. She is very emotional and says her life means nothing. She regrets breaking up with her boyfriend, and she admits to having thoughts of killing herself. You decide:
a. to keep her on the line and talk to her, invite her over or offer to come to her house. By any measure, she should not be left alone.
b. to tell her to turn that frown upside down and learn to laugh again. After all, there are other fish in the sea
c. to laugh and hang up. Anyone who takes their life that seriously is obviously not cool
d. to agree with her. There is nothing worth going through the pain of living for.
e. None of the above.

5. You receive a letter in the mail stating that you’ve been chosen for jury duty. You decide:
a. to show up early and bring a good book to read.
b. to wear your best outfit—lawyers make great lovers.
c. to say your father died and you have to attend to family matters. Then stay in bed and call people and masturbate while breathing heavily
d. to write a response stating categorically that there is no justice in the world and you refuse on grounds of personal beliefs to participate in the sham that is called the American Justice system.
e. None of the above.

6. There is a big test coming up in one of your classes. You decide:
a. to study extra hard by yourself. A good grade is worth the hard work.
b. to study with your friends, maybe your parents will order a pizza when they see what a good student you are
c. to watch the Cojack marathon until 3am and then try to cheat during the exam.
d. to tell the teacher that test are just a means of controlling people and that the only certain things in life like death and discouragement can never be prepared for.
e. None of the above.

7. A friend of yours offers you some drugs. You decide:
a. to refuse them. You still want to be their friend, but you don’t understand why someone with so much potential would want to waste it.
b. to laugh and say no thank you. You’re plenty crazy without drugs… have they ever heard the story about the time you and your girlfriends rented a limo to go to the rock concert and you waved at all the cars and screamed yourself raw.
c. to hit them on the head and take all the drugs for yourself.
d. to do some drugs with them and later on feel guilty for having so much fun.
e. None of the above.

8. Someone you know is in a relationship tells you they are interested in you. You decide:
a. to remind them that they are in a relationship, and you are not interested in living a double life just for passing thrills.
b. to act shocked at first and then tell all your friends.
c. to sleep with them if they make you horny, otherwise use their offer to bribe them.
d. to make them lick your boots and grovel all the while teasing them with your naked but unattainable body.
e. None of the above.

9. You accidentally offend someone, and they confront you saying they want to fight. You decide:
a. to apologize for any part you played in the confusion and offer to make it up to them.
b. to laugh and tell them to take a number.
c. to hide behind your friends and later on put popcorn in their engine oil.
d. to fight them, brutality and courage are inseparable means to the ends of glorious defeat.
e. None of the above.

10. You see a teen quiz in a magazine, you decide:
a. to take it, it might be good for some laughs.
b. to use it to figure something out.
c. to tear out the pictures of hotties and later on masturbate.
d. to burn the magazine for the piece of consumer trash that it obviously is.
e. None of the above.

QUIZ ANSWERS

1. This question deals with our expectations of the future.
a. Answer A appears to make the most sense until we look at the deeper meanings of this response. First, to bring your umbrella implies that you’ve already purchased an umbrella, which means that you experience thoughts of paranoia about rain. Second, the fear of getting wet is strongly linked to feelings of inadequacy and possibly witchcraft. (4 points)
b. Answer B with its manic vivacity is an accident waiting to happen. (5 points)
c. Answer C implies depression. (3 points)
d. Answer D exhibits a defeatist attitude ripe for a mental breakdown. (2 points)
e. Answer E is staple answer of a loser that fears commitment. (1 point)

2. Anxiety attacks are frequently a sign of bigger problems. The way we approach difficult social situations and put ourselves in a vulnerable position can indicate the way we internalize problems.
a. Answer A is practical but lacking in heart. (3 points)
b. Answer B is romantic to a fault. (4 points)
c. Answer C is morbid and disgusting (5 points)
d. Answer D is heartfelt and sincere (1 point)
e. Answer E is detached, alienated, and ill worded. (2 points)

3. This question is a straightforward approach to issues of inclusion.
a. Answer A is servile and primed for issues with gratification and self-worth (2 points)
b. Answer B is appropriately false for the occasion and allows for a chance to make others feel bad for not looking as good as you. (1 point)
c. Answer C is trying too hard (5 points)
d. Answer D is the right answer but the metaphor is cliché (3 points)
e. Answer E is downright obnoxious; we’re taking about a party for Pete’s sake. (4 points)

4. Here we must look into ourselves to discover how we empathize with another person’s pain. This is also a good question to ask someone if you think they might be a robot.
a. Answer A is right in terms of empathy, but seems a little too concerned. If the attempts are not successful we would be inclined to worry about issues of guilt or overt attachment and anger. (3 points)
b. Answer B is more in tune with capitalist reality. (1 point)
c. Answer C is cruel and insensitive without reason (4 points)
d. Answer D is sincere and well thought out (2 points)
e. Answer E indicates a short attention span (5 points)

5. This question raises the issue of civic duty.
a. Answer A is the answer of an anal retentive idiot (5 points)
b. Answer B is smart and sexy (1 point)
c. Answer C is clever but poorly engineered (3 points)
d. Answer D is down right foolish and self destructive (4 points)
e. Answer E is bland and tasteless (2 points)

6. Issues of preparing for the future can often shed light on the way we avert problems before they become worse than necessary.
a. Answer A is the answer of an over achiever who does so because of feelings of inadequacy (3 points)
b. Answer B is manipulative but fair (2 points)
c. Answer C is unimpeachable in its logic and finesse (1 point)
d. Answer D is trying too hard (5 points)
e. Answer E is annoying. (4 points)

7. When approaching the use of illegal substances we must tread lightly. Modern psychiatrists have proven that drugs, when used for recreation alone, are essentially harmless.
a. Answer A is the sort of mush you’d expect from some kind of conservative nancy boy who’s never thought for himself (4 points)
b. Answer B is devoid of feeling and frankly sad (5 points)
c. Answer C is both practical and poetic (1 point)
d. Answer D is pedestrian (2 points)
e. Answer E is ambivalent but justly so (3 points)

8. Trust is a stumbling block any good two-timer must overcome.
a. Answer A is overly pious to the point of dishonesty (4 points)
b. Answer B is prudish but fun (3 points)
c. Answer C is manipulative and grammatically incorrect (5 points)
d. Answer D is brutal but even-handed (2 points)
e. Answer E is subtle and sinister (1 point)

9. This question addresses the issues of dominance and confrontation.
a. Answer A is the defense of a coward (5 points)
b. Answer B is absurd and trite (3 points)
c. Answer C is clever and insightful (1 point)
d. Answer D is the answer of a real philosopher (2 points)
e. Answer E is redundant (4 points)

10. The fact of the matter is anyone who takes teen quizzes is a failure. Their lure lies in playing off your own insecurities. Award yourself 5 points irregardless of your response.

SCORING

0-10 points: You’re a winner. Nothing can get in your way. The sky is the limit.

11-20 points: Your life is a mediocre sham, but there’s still some great movies out there that you shouldn’t miss.

21-30 points: You are bland and lacking in personality, but still generally likeable in a pathetic kind of way.

31-40 points: You know there’s a reason why you took this test, don’t you? Quit lying to yourself and get your head examined.

41-50 points: Please just put down the gun and call someone. There’s hotlines where people will pretend like they care and stuff. I think they charge a per minute rate.

DISCLAIMER

The quiz you just took was malicious and offensive. The opinions expressed were those of flesh eating bacteria. Blogspot, clearancebin, and TEEN magazine cannot be held accountable for the opinions expressed in this quiz. Well, may clearancebin can be held accountable, but only after and lengthy and expensive lawsuit. Our lawyers have fangs. Wait, what am I saying? I love you people. I don’t know what came over me. I guess this job’s really getting to me. And, I think I’m loosing my hair. What’s a guy supposed to do? I’m so scared. Sniff. Look, let’s just pretend this never happened.

The Last We Heard of Bernard

The last we heard of BERNARD he refused press interviews on the grounds of perjury. Reporters, according to BERNARD, were poorly paid character assassins that smoke too much and moonlight as gay escorts or super heroes or perhaps both. He wasn’t making a lot of sense. He had seen something inside the MANSION that had changed him. I think he felt burned by DAVE what with him joining the GREEN TENTACLE’s band. After BERNARD refused the press interviews he told us about the HAMSTER. He kept saying the HAMSTER made him do it. And when I asked him what the HAMSTER made him do. He just looked at me. MICHAEL and DAVE both seem ok. The funny thing is they saw the worst of it. BERNARD just fixed the RADIO with the RADIO TUBE and then worked out on the HUNK-O-MATIC. He didn’t have a single run in with NURSE EDNA or DR. FRED. MICHAEL said he gave BERNARD that HAMSTER because DAVE kept talking about putting it in the MICROWAVE. But, I guess BERNARD knows better. The last thing he said before he walked away was “WEIRD ED is… weird, you know.� And I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him, its just too bad he had to spend so much time alone with WEIRD ED. SYD says he sees BERNARD from time to time down at PLANETARIUM. SYD says BERNARD has totally given up on economics. BERNARD thinks the TENTACLES are out there… that they might already control the entire music business. He refuses to listen to anything other than PETER, PAUL, AND MARY. SYD says he feels bad for BERNARD. He still thinks he should have gone in BERNARD’s place. SYD made the mistake of saying that to BERNARD once. BERNARD went ballistic. He kept on screaming, “Who would have put the RADIO TUBE in the RADIO?� Someone told me BERNARD rigged up this RED BUTTON in his apartment. He sits around most nights in front of the RED BUTTON pretending he has the power to blow up the planet. I heard the RED BUTTON is just wired to a ROTATING TIE RACK but don’t tell BERNARD that. It’s kind of weird you know. It makes you wonder what really happened behind closed doors up at MANIAC MANSION.